


The Big Alien Conspiracy

by anyanka_eg



Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Crack, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-05-14
Updated: 2010-05-14
Packaged: 2017-10-09 10:55:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 911
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/86508
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/anyanka_eg/pseuds/anyanka_eg
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Written in response to zinfic's splendid story John Sheppard and the Big Alien Conspiracy, which you need to read first for this to really mean anything.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Big Alien Conspiracy

"Ten points for making the boy catch a slippery bavit," the old man declared.

There were groans from the men from M'raran. It wasn't their fault their planet was blessed with a surplus of soapwort and bavits and not much else. Although the soapwort at least did mean they were actually able to interact with other people because bavit dung really stank.

M'ran wasn't like Baathe, damn it, with it's had flocks of well trained carnivorous plants and the Baathem's talent for deception that even the ZanArth were a little in awe of. When the Lantians finally made it there, the Baathem were so going to the top of the league.

"My daughter gave the loud one a young markat," said the leader of the Unfran, looking disproportionately pleased with himself. No way that was going to earn him big points, even with the use of a cute child to deceive the soft-hearted Lantians.

"Big deal," muttered Danithu from the Vipplet delegation. "Mine gave Sheppard H'Vapi flu."

"I hear that's not all she gave him," answered the Ufran leader, because everyone knew about Danihu's daughter.

"And what of the markat?" asked the arbiter, once the laughter had died down.

"It bit Sheppard and he had to be carried back to the city of the Ancestors," the Ufran stated proudly, and everyone had to applaud, even if they secretly thought it wasn't that much of a plan.

"Fifteen points for the markat," said the old man, to cheers from the Unfran. But he held up his hand to silence the crowd so he could continue. "But a deduction of five points because the aim is not to kill the Lantians."

Everyone nodded even as the Unfrans grumbled but the arbiter's word was final and they couldn't argue. The crowd shifted and the ZanArth delegation appeared at the front.

"We insisted that the Lantian military leader marry the civilian leader before we would trade with them," purred the Zan priest, his feathers vibrating with pride. "We told them it was how we ensured there was harmony between the two groups."

There was a general murmur of approval. Anyone who'd been to ZanArth knew there was no harmony between it's military and the priesthood, it was the basis of their whole culture, and plans that needed the whole populace to work would score more points.

"Did they consummate the union?" inquired the old man, an overly prurient glint in his eye.

"We think not," answered the Zan, deflating slightly. "We had expected the civilian leader to be a male and planned to insist on a public display of completion in the temple. Clearly this was not an option once we discovered Dr Weir was a woman. We would have planned something else if the Kait had seen fit to share their knowledge about the gender of the Lantian leader."

"It's not our fault you apply your own bias against women to everyone you meet," said the Kait leader, her face full of mock innocence while her people barely smothered their laughter. "I'm sure Dr Weir would have performed the ceremony should you have insisted."

"She did seem a more than capable leader," admitted the Zan, and everyone who'd been on the wrong end of her negotiating skills nodded in agreement. "It was Sheppard who seemed most unhappy at the prospect of the marriage."

"Maybe he's a lover of men," suggested the gruff voice of a Noth second, and the Vipplet delegation bristled at the imagined slight to Danithu's daughter.

"Still won't get you laid, Gpith," teased the Kait leader, and the tension in the room dissipated in laughter. Despairing of the worldliness of the Kait women, even if it had just diffused an argument, the Zan priest made a mental note to never allow any of his daughters to visit the Kait planet. He'd never get them married off if they learned to answer back like that.

"Twenty points for the marriage," announced the arbiter, and the Zan priests shuffled in well mannered smugness.

"We," rumbled the Noth first as the crowd quieted. "We, made the youngster sit on top of a pole for a day and a night."

"Did you give them a reason why it should be done?" asked the arbiter.

"They convinced themselves it was a test of strength and endurance," answered the big Noth warrior, a grin splitting his scarred face. "We said nothing."

"Twenty points," declared the arbiter, laughing at the pointlessness of the task.

The Noth delegation whooped with joy and the Zan murmured their disapproval. After all their careful planning, public searches for the best actors on the planet and their inspired change of plans when Dr Weir showed up, it was very discouraging that the uncouth Noth should get the same number of points for making a man sit on a pole.

"And that is the last?" asked the old man, looking round the gathered delegations.

"The Lantians came to our world today," announced the Kait leader, reveling in the murmurs of surprise from the crowd. "Sheppard and the loud one, are naked, smeared in the finest plof honey, and tied to a tree. The tree is next to a nest of voo. Would anyone care to visit Kait?"

The almost indecent haste with which the gathering dissolved made the Kait leader smile. She might not get any more points out of the arbiter but she'd wager her future trade negotiations would be a little easier.


End file.
